Children Can’t Differentiate Between Toys and Nutritional Items

“Children can’t differentiate between toys and nutritional items”

No, it’s not a classic piece of ‘Onion‘ reportage; it’s a quote from Miriam Gruß, a member of the German parliamentary children’s committee, on why the Germans plan on banning Kinder Eggs (are these available in the US?).

Charlie Brooker’s characteristically hilarious retort is best placed here.

What, really? Don’t get me wrong – I think children are idiots. But even I find that statement a tad unfair and sweeping. I used to have a spud gun when I was a kid. In case you’re not familiar with that concept either, it was a small metal pistol that fired chunks of potato. Not once did I aim the potato at anyone. Or try to deep-fry the gun. And I was thick as sh!t. I guess it was luck.

In fact my run of luck was pretty impressive. Other toys I failed to ingest include a Scalextric, several boxes of space Lego, the board games Operation and Mousetrap, and a complete collection of Paul Daniels’ TV Magic Tricks – even though the latter included an egg-shaped gizmo called The Magic Egg. Somehow, miraculously, my conker-sized kiddywink brain managed to differentiate it from a real egg. Thus my life was saved by a whisker.

Gruss won’t countenance such a slapdash approach to child safety. Not on her watch. “It’s a sad fact,” she said. “Kinder Surprise eggs have to go.”