Peter Brad­shaw on The Hulk (in Hulk-speak, no less)

“Hulk. Smash!” Yes. Hulk. Smash. Yes. Smash. Big Hulk smash. Smash cars. Build­ings. Army tanks. Hulk smash all hope of inter­est­ing time in cin­ema. Hulk take all effort of cin­ema, effort get­ting babysit­ter, effort find­ing park­ing, and Hulk put great green fist right through it. Hulk crush all hopes of entertainment.

Christo­pher Orr’s review of The Hap­pen­ing (a list of spoil­ers so that you can mock the film with­out hav­ing seen it.)

The Hap­pen­ing is not merely bad. […] It’s the kind of movie you want to laugh about with friends, swap­ping favorite moments of inanity: “Do you remem­ber the part when Mark Wahlberg … ?” “God, yes. And what about that scene where the wind … ?”

The prob­lem, of course, is that to have such a con­ver­sa­tion, you’d nor­mally have to see the movie, which I believe is an unrea­son­ably high price to pay just to make fun of it. So rather than write a con­ven­tional review explain­ing why you should or shouldn’t see The Hap­pen­ing (trust me, you shouldn’t), I’m offer­ing an alter­na­tive: A dozen and a half of the most mind-bendingly ridicu­lous ele­ments of the film, which will enable you to mar­vel at its anti-genius with­out sac­ri­fic­ing (and I don’t use that term lightly) 90 min­utes of your life.

Mark Ker­mode on Pirates of the Caribbean 3

No words can pre­pare you for this price­less 10-minute rant by Ker­mode. My favourite review ever, given the acco­lade due to Kermode’s renam­ing of two of the stars: Ikea Shitely and Orloondo Bland.

The Hulk and The Hap­pen­ing reviews, via kot­tke (twice)